Can I get the hotel room in cornflower blue?

To mom and dad - sorry I told you otherwise.

To my facebook friends that know my dad - I'm trusting you.

Now that the disclaimer is over with, the following is based on a true story:

I AM JACKIE'S MIND; I GO CRAZY, I COMMIT JACKIE.

I had this giant blog that spelled out all the details saved in a Word doc (my internet likes to be fishy since it's stolen, I guess) but then I realized that that's boring (and boy, do I hate being boring, as the following will elude to) and no one likes reading large chunks of text anymore (oh, the youth of America), so here is the abridged version of my fairly awesome story.

Chapter 1: Bros Icing Bros

Friend (from here on deemed Jim Henson (if you don't understand, don't worry about it)): Dude, let's go to Amsterdam.

Me: ...nope.

[Jim and I sit for a while. Jim exits room, closes door behind him.]

[I get up, open door. Am presented with a Smirnoff Ice (I think it was grape, but that defeats the purpose of BROS ICING BROS)]

[I get down on one knee and chug, as is my duty.]

Jim: So. Let's go to Amsterdam.

Me: ...Okay.

Jim: Leave tomorrow?

Me: Okay.

[Jim makes phone call to book flight. Success.]


Chapter 2: You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?

[Jim and I flew business class, standby. The nuts were warm. There was champagne and Bailey's everywhere. When you ran out of warm nuts, you were presented with nuts that were even warmer. The seatback ahead of me was so far away I couldn't reach it WITH MY FEET.]

Chapter 3: My God. I haven't been fucked like that since grade school.

It rained pretty much the entire time. I bet the prostitutes didn't much care for that. The Red Light District is creepy. The city is absolutely gorgeous. The people are pretty neat and laidback.

However, it was the opening of the cultural season and 30598 things were going on; of the 37,000 hotel beds, all of the ones less than 200 Euros in the city center were booked. We got a hotel by the airport and decided to leave early.

Chapter 4: How's that working out for you? 'What?' Being clever.

We get there two hours early and still miss our flight. We passed through 5 people without actual boarding passes. They told us we 'weren't allowed on the plane' but no one would tell us why until it was too late. Oh, Schiphol airport.

Chapter 5: If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

So we have to get ANOTHER hotel out by the airport. Only this time...this time the hotel is in

CORNFLOWER BLUE.

I hate cornflower blue. It's easily my least favorite crayon in the 64 Crayola coloring box.

Chapter 6: Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. Single-serving friends.

I did, however, meet a guy that claimed to be on the Yorkshire cricket team. I think he gave me a fake first and last name. It's okay, I did the same.

Chapter 7: Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.

We flew business on the way back. Still pimpin'.

Chapter 8: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?

I forgot to mention we went to the Anne Frank house. For those of you that are not familiar with 'Icing', here is the perfect video for this trip. It's only funny because it's pertinent. Anne Frank is the new Helen Keller.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuzCGkusqYg

Chapter 9: Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner.

Proof I'm not making it up:





See those? Those were the warm nuts!

They were so warm.