10 Reasons This Trip Sucked Like Vanessa Hudgens in Everything She's Ever Done Minus High School Musical Three Because That Was Bonafide Art:
10. Emily Loses Her Wallet: It happened. All because when we see car racing games, CARS MUST BE RACED. There were 17 laps; after 4 the machine cut us off. Emily must've been so stark raving mad that she lost all sense of logic and stormed out accordingly. Or it was the sneaky gay man with the sibilant s who uses Disney as a cover for sneakiness. We did not find Sassy Gay Friend. We found the upgrade! Sneaky Gay Man! I'm sure they're everywhere. You didn't miss out too much.
9. Jumpstart: The car dies at Pacific Vineland Drive-In. This place is G-H-E-T-O. They can't afford the extra 't'. The man at the concessions stand had a band-aid on his neck. I turned to Emily and said, "Dude, that guy has a hickey!" She goes, "Uhh, Jackie...I'm pretty sure that's where he got knifed." It's a good thing I don't spend my time on the east side of Waterloo or I'd probably be dead or crying right now. If you think Inception is good in movie theatres, try it in the middle of nowhere next to three dudes smoking pot.
8. Headlight busts.
7. Nebraska.
6. Megan's Epic Fail: It's 7 AM and the people who are awake are hungry. Maybe the Food God just really likes me (we are really tight, for good reason) (because I would've preferred to wait) because Megan could not find a McDonalds to save her life, even when guided by the GPS. The third time really is the charm. Maybe it was a test to see just how badly one can want an Egg McMuffin. But take this as a warning: THE MCDONALD'S SIGN IS JUST A MIRAGE.
5. Vom: Vom everywhere. Megan and Ashley suck at riding in cars with girls. Luckily, there was no vom in the car--only at the Phillips 66 and the Holiday Inn Express. But I was thankful. I had to pee, even if it was to a chorus of dry heaves. Megan's vom apparently tastes like daisies and apple juice, though, because the toothpaste she was given was not good enough. =]
4. DRIVER PULL OVER. DRIVE PULL OVER PAST THE GUARD RAIL. DRIVER. : Emily gets a speeding ticket going 8 over at 3:30 AM in Colorado. Megan was previously driving at a solid 95 mph. But PEOPLE HAD DIED THERE. So, I guess it was different. Going 83 in a 75 equals DEATH.
3. Bree has the worst luck ever: So. Setup. Towels and possessions a solid 25 feet away from the nearest high tide mark. Chillin'. Layin' outz. Havin' a ball. And all of a sudden...dun dun dun. WATER EVERYWHERE. An inch lower and I would've been responsible for Ashley's camera's funeral; Bree's phone wasn't so lucky. This is about 45 minutes after her sunglasses started their ridiculously long journey to what must be the Philippines. Maybe some kid will find them and be ecstatic. But Bree was pissed. Also, wtf random high-ass tide? Moon, what the hell did you do?! We're over. So. Over.
2. Vandalism: Megan's car got spray painted while chilling in Cedar Rapids. Fuckin' delinquents. I was super scared of the wrath of Paula and Doug Moore, but Doug has super buffing powers, thank Yahweh.
1. Flat Tire in the Mojave Desert: Self-explanatory. However, TEMPLE FOX came to the rescue. When he did (the first of three men), Emily is quoted to have said, "This goes against everything I stand for." Really, the entire time I was just waiting for some mullet-wearing dude to come along, change our tire, and then rape us. Here's a picture ( reenactment) of Temple Fox:
times
divided by
equals Temple Fox. PS - He claims he's on facebook, but apparently he spelled his name wrong.
Here is not a reenactment of Bree getting her groove on with the tire-changer-man from the TLE at the Wal-Mart in Mesquite, Nevada. We begged them (read: showed our boobies) to stay late as they were closed when we got there.
See? This shit happened; I'm not making it up.
Okay, so it wasn't all bad. On Sunday, I saw 'Rent' with my mom at the Hollywood Bowl, directed by Neil Patrick Harris. The entire cast is famous. Take a looksie.
Can you read that?
We also hit up Huntington Beach during the US Open of Surfing, had some kickin' beach bonfires, went to the Aquarium of the Pacific (IT WAS SHARK WEEK. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT.),
lived in these professors' house where I brushed up on my colloquial Czech, and went to the ghet(t)o drive-in, amongst other awesome things.
And my Snuggie™ still smells like weenie juice.
