I think life would be better (easier/happier/more fulfilled) if we could remember all the little awesome things we do. Since I might as well be amnesiatic, this may not apply to everyone. Maybe normal people do remember these things and build their self-esteem off of them. Either way, I was thinking about this after a friend had to remind me of this story; I was sad I had forgotten it:
In January, I went on this cruise. Of course, all I remember now was not really having a good time. I was broke (this means no excursions and no drinking. If you don’t take excursions on cruises in the Western Caribbean, you get a six-hour self-guided walking tour of the ghetto) and with people whose itinerary for Honduras was finding the closest bar and chatting up the bartender (from St. Louis). Believe it or not, this is building upon my point. To get to that bar, we got a cab. The cab provided a guide. The guide, of course, was a 13 year-old, 80 lb. girl. After my strawberry margarita (1 of 2 drinks the entire week) that tasted like jam (which was a-okay by me), I became restless and discontented. I decided a much better way to utilize my time would be practicing my Spanish with the guide girl, who was sitting by herself on the other end of the bar. I asked her what she liked to drink; she just shook her head. Orange? Grape? Coke? Finally, she mustered a shy nod to a Sprite. When I handed it to her, it felt like a band of carebears couldn’t’ve made her happier. After she laughed a few times at my lackluster Spanish skills, she took me to tour the shops, rarely leaving my side for the rest of the day, even after the other 6 joined us. Sometimes, I rock. Sometimes, I don’t. The ‘don’t’ instances are so much more salient; it’s relaxing to remember a non-‘don’t’ occasion. That story makes me simultaneously happy and sad. Those might be the best kind.
Part Zwei: Du Redest Zuviel Von Dir.
J: “If you could have your wedding anywhere, where would it be?”
A: “…You wanna know what I first thought?”
J: “Oh, God…Mordor?”
A: “Why would I want to go to Mount Doom?! IT’S IN THE LAND OF SAURON!”
J: “…”
A: “I’d pick Rivendell.”
J: “…”
A: “You?”
J: “Fictional?”
A: “Sure.”
J: “…Hogwarts? Nah, I can do better. …Heaven!”
Part Three: Would You Like a Piece of Mr. Hitchcake’s Cock?
That’s a line out of Lucille Ball’s biography (a recommended read, by the way. Unrelated, but I just went from trashy to classy in about 1.3 seconds). Funny how the habits your parents have rub off on you. My dad gave me that book, for example. But to make my daily inappropriate comment (this title) (I use parentheses a lot, did you notice that?) viable, I’ll tell you what I’m doing right now: I’m watching ‘Alfred Hitchcock Presents’ (a TV show from the 50s, hosted by AH, not written). My dad, in the closest he ever got to child abuse, would always force me to watch this stuff. And now I’m doing it voluntarily!!1!one!! ( <-- joke) This also adds weight to my ‘I’m-gonna-get-divorced’ theory; I have 14 aunts and uncles and I don’t currently feel like explaining it. I’m sure you can infer the information from my aptly titled theory name. If you pick up the habits and life practices of your elders, I wonder if that means I’ll develop an affinity for black men and/or Don Knotts. Boy, I hope so.
I interrupt this informative commentary to provide you with a word from the wise:
Thank you, Mr. Waters.
Meanwhile, at Pizza Ranch, the pictures on the wall and the napkins on the tables are ridden with typos (read: 3 ½, and that was experienced in only one sole dining experience; imagine the plethora to be discovered!). “Ya’ll come back!” Are we fortune tellers now, in addition to pizza mavens? I mean, I get trying to relate to your target demographic, but violating our sacred mother tongue is just taking it a step too far. I think France has it right with their language police. LMAO is in the mother-effin’ dictionary now, people! We must do something about this! If you would like to be added to my list of phone contacts that I send pictures of public typos to, please, do not hesitate to ask. And, yes, you can receive the archived photos as well.
Also, I am super cool, you’re right.
