I'm a dude with a shredder now, ladies!

If you're reading this, you're probably hankering for some juice on all the Asians my Amazonian self has already traumatized (or at least frightened). Unfortunately, turns out when I'm put in foreign situations, the only pathway my brain has enough resources to retain activity in is the one where I just smile and try to look harmless, but not vacant. It's a fine, fine line, really. Instead, I'll give you a few pleasant anecdotes, all of which will be summarized by the honorable Chuck Palahniuk.

8:00 AM - On the plane to Guangzhou, I gave Sandy the Shoemaker $9 for ¥50. I realize this is a bit much, but she was nice and insisted upon me not paying her anything at all. Turns out the Guangzhou airport is in the heart of good ol' Siberia--or so it feels--and the nice Canadian man, who also recommends safaris in Kenya, btw, recommended the hot chocolate from Blenz to stave off the cold. I figured anybody in 'Nam wouldn't be crazy about me handing them a picture of Mao Zedong, so I might as well spend my monies while I can. Now, Let me ask you one very important question:

how much would you pay for six (SIX) ounces of the best hot chocolate of your life?

How about one of the top five? WOULD YOU PAY $8? ...That's what I thought.

915 AM - Saw my first Asian penis. (Bucket list, check!) When I started visibly laughing, I realized then that I am no longer allowed to pride myself on my maturity and sophistication. There are some things you just never thought you'd see and acid-wash pseudo-denim yoga pants are definitely one of them.

930 AM - This is how cold that airport was: Britney Spears' "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" comes on my iPod and I contemplate keeping my hands in my pockets and just wrestling the earbuds from my ears with my shoulders and/or teeth. They really need an app that analyzes your listening patterns and throws certain files into a folder called "You're Better Than This".

  ~ "All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."

 Do you ever sit down and think about why you are where you are? If, left to my own devices, would I be "anywhere"? How much of my life has been merely taking suggestion instead of being intrinsically creative and resourceful?

  ~ "Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."

This morning I realized I am just about the mental equivalent of a smart toddler in this country. While this is understandable and certainly normal, I just want to use this quote:

  ~ "Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you."

  Did you know the code name for the microwave while it was still in testing was "Speedy Weenie"? I can see the benefits of this already. Guys, I already used my Speedy Weenie 4 times today! All of which were successful! Unfortunately, my Speedy Weenie sort of smells funny now, after that unfortunate baked bean explosion. Also, my mom says that if you stare at my Speedy Weenie long enough, you'll go blind.

 ~ "If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?"
     (This one is just straight-up unrelated to my Speedy Weenie.)

 Thankfully, the world of the claymated Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is fictional.

 ~ "Find out what you're afraid of and go live there."

Scroll down. I just really want to fit this picture in and the layout isn't working right here.

































































Okay. Ready.




 ~ "Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?"


Also:


For the record.