You've Got the Swagga' of a Champion

I should fucking write for Cosmo. Here is the first article I'm submitting to them in the parallel universe where both they publish entire articles devoted to sarcasm and where I want my first publication to be hidden below an article on Taylor Swift:

THE TOP THREE BEST DIETS FOR YOUR WAISTLINE--THE WORST FOR YOUR SOUL
(None requires a gym membership!)

Note: I either will or have tried all methods described.

#3: The "My Best Friend's a Histrionic Bitch That Has to Be Skinnier Than Me" Diet



Requirements:
 -- a mean 13 year-old girl
 -- Britney Spears' 3rd album
 -- CD player

This one's a little slow to start. Combine that with the bitter hatred that will engulf your being and this one comes in at a solid #3. However, it's really not that hard to come by; histrionic bitches are always looking for friends and you can probably find Britney's self-titled album "Britney" at any CDs Plus (track 12 is my favorite--written and produced by JT).

Results: slow, but lasting.
Repercussions: Back pain, freezing shoulders, and a rough case of misogyny.
Damage done to soul: Moderate

#2: The "The Guy I'm "Dating" is Homeless and Unemployed" Diet



Obviously, I'm trying to keep the standards for companionship at a doable level for any Cosmo afficionado. I don't know what type of crowd you hang with.

Requirements:
--1 Homeless Man
--Mild Temperament

 This diet is simple and super cheap!

Steps:

1. Find homeless man.
2. Keep him under your constant supervision.
3. Do not eat in front of him; that'd just be rude.

Results: staggeringly quick; however, they deteriorate rapidly without stringent upkeep.
Repercussions: Loss of healthy metabolism, constant need to do laundry
Damage done to soul: Moderate - High

#1. The "I Went to a Third World Country and Drank the Water" Diet



Requirements:
--Plane Ticket
--Toilet
--Third World Country™ water

Results: Still pending
Damage done to soul: Mild
Repercussions: Self-hate for being a mere mortal with a properly functioning digestive system.

HONORABLE MENTION:

The "My Food Talks to Me But I'm Good Looking So It's Okay" Diet